Home » General Conversation » A Day In The Life » try to read this, without laughing till you cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| try to read this, without laughing till you cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [message #33233] |
Mon, 16 March 2009 21:48  |
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. ..?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
OMG!........ I am still laughing at this story!.... I feel so sorry for that guy!... and no it was not me!.
Rex
aka...hunter01
[Updated on: Mon, 16 March 2009 21:49]
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| Re: try to read this, without laughing till you cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [message #33240 is a reply to message #33233] |
Tue, 17 March 2009 06:55  |
 MBARRETT
Messages: 490
Registered: December 2007
Location: WASHINGTON COURT HOUSE |
uber poster |
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I had seen that before and it was funny then. I almost didn't read it this time. I did and still found my self laughing out loud. We use tasers at work and I have been tased for training purposes 9 times. Two of us locked up like we were fighting, and they used it in a drive stun to my calf. That was quite enlightning. The person that I was locked up with swore up and down that they were the one that had had the taser driven into thier thigh. The instructor had to tell her and I showed her the marks an small slight burn marks on my calf.
In one particular tasing scenario they taped the probes to the front of me, while I was in shorts and a t-shirt. And the funny thing there is that when I locked up and fell forward(i was 0n my knees), every time the wires that go to the probes touched a different spot on my arms I would get an additional jolt to that part of the body. when I got up it looked like someone had taken those little popper things, that kids throw at sidewalks, and just drilled my arms with them. I knew that when I finally agreed to due it for the 9th time in four years, I shouldn't have. I got to my knees and he said, "well lets try something different". too which I yelled "hell no, if you attach those any where near my _____ I am out of here ".  its definately an eye opening event. Mike
BUILDING HABITAT HOPING THEY WILL MULTIPLY
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